Thank you. So much. Thank you.

I wrote this for you.

For the last few years, I’ve woke up every morning with the feeling of dread. On most days, I didn’t want to get up. I didn’t feel like I was living; I was simply trying to survive, one day at a time.

It must be hard to understand someone who doesn’t understand herself. Someone who is still trying to figure out what the words “depression” and “anxiety” and anorexia mean.

It must be hard to care for someone who wanted to stay in the dark, even when she needed to be in the light.

You make an effort to understand how I am feeling and how you can help me feel better.

You continue to put up with me, and my many irrational fears, with incredible amounts of patience.

You believe in me, even when I don’t believe in myself. I don’t give up on the hardest days because I remember you telling me you are all proud of me and how far I have come; I don’t want to leave people disappointed. As you say I’ve got through the toughest days.

Thank you for pouring your love and care into me, both tender and tough, every day, but especially on the days I need it the most.

Thank you for giving me your time, whether it is spent sitting in silence in your office or pouring my heart out in the worst phrases you’ve ever heard. You are always there, even when I cannot stop talking from being excited or am crying so hard that I can’t breathe.

Thank you for allowing work to be safe haven, for I have never felt alone or unsafe in your or anyone else’s presence. I don’t know if you realize the important role you played and are still playing in my recovery process, but I hope this at least gives you an idea.

I feel as if I don’t say this enough, but thank you. Thank you for being there for me no matter what was going on. Thank you for motivating me when I am weak and feel like giving up. Mostly, thank you for believing in me when others lost hope.

You have showed me life was worth living: Thank you. Thank you for showing me my life has value and that I am important. Thank you for helping me learn what it feels like to be happy for the first time in forever and what it feels like to be wanted. Thank you for giving me a reason to wake up each morning with a smile on my face. Thank you for being there when I was at my weakest point I have ever been. I can’t thank you enough for never leaving me when things got really tough. Work has really really helped me come out of my shell – I know my confidence isn’t the best but I truly believe we will get there. Hopefully you will all stick around for part two.

Rather than telling me what I can’t accomplish, you believe in me and encourage me to keep going and to follow my dreams even if they may seem far-fetched. You have helped show me all the positives life has to offer and a whole new perspective on the world. I am no longer afraid to trust people nor myself. I now realize that not everyone who enters my life will leave.

I know that I’m good at my job, and I know you’ll tell me it till you’re blue in the face.

So from now on I’ll make it my pledge to believe you all.

I will never ever let you guys down. I’ve never been as happy as I am right now. I’m so glad I’ve met my “match” (work) 😉

Next stop – I wont give in. I won’t stop until I get there. I’ve never had so much dedication and motivation in my life.

Thank you so much.

Wow, what a year it has been, from being willing to die to now surviving is miraculous. It’s been a tough one to say the least, from being diagnosed with an eating disorder to loosing my beloved dog. But the majority of it has been fabulous. I have met the most amazing people who I love with all my heart, and my job i can’t even explain how much I love it.

It hasn’t been all that long since we met, but knowing you has changed my life for the better. On the darkest of days, you’ve shown me light. It would be impossible to list every single wonderful thing that you have said or done for me. But there are two words that I don’t think I could ever say to you enough – thank you.

Thank you for continuously reminding me to keep going, no matter how bad things may seem. Even when the anxiety and intrusive thoughts feel like they are consuming me, you remind me to “just keep swimming.

Thank you for picking up the phone every time I call, for reading every long text and Facebook message, and for always being willing to listen. You’ve always been honest and non-judgmental, something which I will always appreciate.

Thank you for sharing parts of your own story with me. Knowing that you understand what it’s like to have your mind taken over by this illness makes me feel less alone. I am glad that I can confide in you and turn to you for advice.

Thank you for encouraging me to take important steps towards treating and managing my illness. Sometimes, these things feel impossibly hard. But you always remind me that “hard things are worth doing.”

Thank you for reminding me that bad days happen, but that I am no less strong because of them. There is no such thing as perfectly managing the intrusive thoughts and compulsions that come with its, and you remind me that it’s okay not to be okay sometimes.

Thank you for reminding me that I am not my disease. You remind me that I can still be the person I want to be, and that I don’t have to let my illness hold me back. Even though it will be with me for life, it is not what defines me.

Most importantly, thank you for being my friend. You have never turned your back on me, and you continue to provide me with unconditional support and compassion each and every day. I don’t know where I would be without you! Everyone deserves to have someone like you in their life, and I am so incredibly thankful that you are a part of mine.

Coming clean with where I’m at.

In fact, in some ways they are feeling more difficult.

Over the last few weeks, as I approach gaining weight, I have been getting frustrated with myself that things aren’t feeling easier.

I’ve had some interesting conversations with my team over the last few days, one of which centred around my ED nurse finding an article that says evidence shows that anxiety peaks to it’s highest point in recovery when the patient reaches 90-95% of their weight target, which is pretty much where I am at now. My therapist today further validated this by saying I am actually probably now in the hardest point of my recovery, because up until now my focus has been on weight gain and eating on autopilot. Now I actually have to start addressing the thoughts and the feelings – and that shit is hard.

I feel like I’ve pushed myself to my limit. I’m eating more so I can stop now, right? I’m exercising less, so I can take my foot off the accelerator, can’t I? I’m technically now a ‘healthy’ weight, so there’s no need to keep gaining to my target, is there?

These are thoughts I have rushing around my head all day, every day. All of them are technically true. I am no longer dying. But am I living yet? No – not really. In amongst those thoughts are all the familiar anorexic negotiations that have ruled my life for so many years: “you can only eat X if you don’t eat Y later”, “you can eat a yoghurt as long as it has less than X calories”, “if you walk for X amount of time, you are allowed to eat Y for snack”. The constant chatter of a voice that I hate, yet continue to feel oddly comforted by. Evidence shows that if I continue to push on to my weight target, these thoughts will reduce, and my chances of relapse will minimise significantly.

So as much as I feel like I’m at my limit, I can’t allow myself to be. I am healthy enough to function now, physically and cognitively. I could live a long and healthy life fuelling myself as I am now, but what’s the point of living a healthy life if it is absent of happiness? Can I ever truly be happy if every bite I eat is a trade off somewhere else down the line, of if every step I take is still a punishment? Isn’t there more to life than a constant preoccupation with my body, and my weight, and the calories that enter and leave me? Yes, there is. Which is why I cannot live in this state of quasi-recovery, as I have done for so many years of my life before. Functioning at a healthy weight, but still depriving myself of true freedom.

Quasi-recovery is anorexia masquerading as recovery. It’s an illusion. And I – and everybody else out there struggling with an eating disorder – deserve more than that. Recovery is too hard to only get half way. Why put all this effort in just to stop before the finish line and continue to be tortured by the same thoughts and feelings that led me into anorexia in the first place? The idea of spending forever battling with it is torturous, and sometimes that silent battle, hidden under rigid but sufficient nutrition and a healthy weight, is even harder than the one where our struggles are visible. People know we are having those horrible thoughts, because we are thin. That somehow makes it easier to understand. Surely I can’t still be scared of ice cream, I’m a healthy weight now?

Despite this, I am honestly feeling on top of the world, this month has been absolutely remarkable. I’ve had so many good days – I’ve spoken to my boss about everything and I feel like a whole weights been lifted off my shoulders. I have the most incredible team and to say I’ve found my safe place is an understatement and I wish they could all understand how much their help and love is helping me.

I know how much my reassurance habits are there and I’m really trying to get better at that I promise.

Finally, I am working on my positivity journal, and was wondering if anyone could help with any feedback for me to put inside or even quotes.

I love you all.

Protected: I promise to never let you down.

A confession from me.

In fact, in some ways they are feeling more difficult.

Over the last few weeks, as I approach gaining weight, I have been getting frustrated with myself that things aren’t feeling easier.

I know how much my reassurance habits are there and I’m really trying to get better at that I promise.

Finally, I am working on my positivity journal, and was wondering if anyone could help with any feedback for me to put inside or even quotes.

I love you all.

Lils x

Protected: 18/07/20

Journey to finding myself

I had been at college and course finished. I needed to work and keep my mind busy and fill the hours in the day. I found out that Pink we’re taking on apprentices. I got the place/job immediately. I was glad to be kept busy but seemed I was thrown in at the deep end. It was all abit alien to me. I was working in close proximity to people who I had never met. I forged some friendships straight away-one of which can be classed as my best friend. I began doing tasks that I had never experienced before. Whilst dealing with my issues I found I put so much into my work. All my efforts went into giving 100%-I have a personality where I have to do my very best-at all time. I am never content until I know it is perfect,that I could do nothing else to it. I’m a bit of a perfectionist. Which is still why I can’t give in until I’ve given my absolute best. If I make one little mistake it’ll tear me down for days. I allow my inner critic to tell me I’m not good enough although I know that I am.

There was some ‘workplace squabbles’ which I always thought were aimed at or about me. I felt that because I was the apprentice I had to take it. The lady who was the apprentice before me had been taken on at the company and I felt that was the end goal. These squabbles eventually were aimed at me, and one day I walked in to hearing my bosses stating ‘she doesn’t know what she’s doing, why can’t she just be better she’s been doing it for a while now’.

Work got hard-the workload was immense and I was given so much to do and to a deadline. Work consumed me. Some days were that hard that I would literally walk out-in floods of tears and just walk. Walk as far as I could with no sense of where I was going and what I would do. I phoned mum and dad to say I had left and was t going back. They came to find me. They found me in the public loos sobbing. They told me to have a few days off/leave if I wanted to.
I couldn’t leave I had to finish.

Work were not as supportive as I was hoping. James did phone home and mum gave a outline of my personal issues-he assured them they had my ins at heart. Was so embarrassing having to go back in. But they didn’t have my personal issues at heart, they felt like I was a waste of time and wasn’t worthy for a place on their team. On my letter of leaving it said ‘due to another circumstance, which we soon found out was due to my lack of awareness from my illness. I was depressed, suicidal and very anxious, I genuinely thought this was the end for me and no one would begin to accept me for me.

When the time came when my apprenticeship was ending I knew I had put everything into gaining the qualification. I felt that I had shown them the very best of me. I and my family were convinced that I didn’t need to worry about being offered a job at the end of it-everyone could see how hard I had worked.

To be told I didn’t get the follow on job was devastating. I was absolutely shocked and gutted. As was my family they knew how much I wanted the position. We all believed I would get it.
I hit a slump..I encouraged myself to get out there and look for something-I was in the midst of my issues. I didn’t want to get unwell. The feelings of not being good enough could end up gnawing away at me-I didn’t want to sit and overthink it. I didn’t want to get unwell. Pink had effectively used my issues against me-throughout the hardest time of my life I had given them 100%. I thought they owed me something-a good reference would have been lovely. But instead that wasn’t the case.

I found a job-something completely different. I applied-got offered the job and I gave myself a month to decide if it was something I could do. Mum and dad said try it-if you don’t try,you won’t know.
I loved it after the first shift. I felt good. Needed. Equal.
I am settled there. I have formed friendships. I’m just Lily. I have the same title as everyone else. Low furlong has changed my life for the better, my boss Leanne has been a god send over these last few months and I owe a lot to her. She is absolutely incredible! And I hope that she knows just how much I want to succeed. Not just for her, but for the whole team. I’ve found my purpose and my end goal in life is to become a CTL. I got the dignity star a few months ago for my good work, and I hope that will be something I can get again soon, definitely was the boost I needed.

I am scared that it will be like Pink. I still do more than I should. I am still aiming to please. I am afraid I will get too close to others,I am wary of my thoughts of not being enough. I am overthinking the fact I feel like I belong. I’m scared to be happy. I am scared my boss will see me as someone who can’t look after herself because who can’t eat at the age of 19. My illness is a bully.
I think of the worst possible scenario because that’s what they taught me to do.
I don’t want history to repeat itself.

But on the whole; I’m genuinely really happy about what this experience taught me. But I hope in the future it’ll be in my past and my future will overtake it with pride.

Low furlong is my saviour, my life. I am so genuinely happy I’ve found it. I don’t ever want to loose it. Is there anything we can suggest further for me to do to allow myself I feel good enough for people – I’ve suggested a meeting with my boss and hopefully we will be able to come up with a journal of positivity! I’m thinking even a scrapbook of the feedback I’ve received so far. I think that’d be amazing. And really helpful.

My profession – my dream

When I was younger I had a dream-I wanted to find treasure. It all started when I found a piece of old crockery in my garden-I was about 4-5 just starting school. I was intrigued. It was the oldest thing I had ever seen. The colours had faded,the pattern was misted but oh my,I polished it,wrapped it in tissue and put it safely away. I was hooked-i couldn’t wait to find more.
Life-it never fully pans out how you expect. I became abit of a academic-a sponge. I loved finding out information. I loved to learn. For a few reasons I didn’t venture into archeology. I thought computers were the way forward. In some ways they are. I didn’t feel settled,I didn’t want a 9-5 set job.
I saw a ad online for carers-it was local,on my doorstep. I wrote out a CV and sent it off. I got a call for interview-so nerve wracking-it was abit alien to me,nothing like I was used to. It was an adventure. The interview process was great-I thought I’d made myself approachable. I smiled,I was polite.
I got the call-wow,they wanted me to start.
To be honest I was nervous. I was the new girl again. But-when you first step in it’s like walking into your family home. A feeling of belonging right from the start.
I gave myself a month to settle in,see how I liked it.
After the first shift I was hooked. I came home buzzing.
Every day is different. There are many challenges but they are approached in a professional way-my team members are fantastic. Every turn there is always someone there to guide and at harder,more difficult times they hold your hand,give you a shoulder to cry on.
It’s a rewarding job that can make you feel so many emotions.

I have progressed my career by working towards my NVQ. I love learning about the caring profession and really enjoy working towards a qualification. I feel I can go far if I want to. WHICH I DO.
The residents are a joy to be around. It is so rewarding to be able to help,guide and nurse the elderly. I love there stories-the memories they share. I love knowing I make their days easier.
When I was 4-5 I wanted to find treasure. Who knew that years down the line the misted pottery that I so well protected and cared for would be so similar to my career now. The elder generation is proof that everything is beautiful and if you look after it,it shines.

Leanne, cheers for this opportunity, I won’t let you down. Ever. I promise. I live and breathe low furlong. My reality is now my dream. You have saved my life thus far and I’m lucky to have a safe person in you xxx

Protected: I’m alive.

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